Imposter Syndrome

Ooof, this is always a crap topic. And I never really felt like I deemed myself to have "imposter syndrome" until probably just recently. Pretty much what it boils down to ( in my opinion ) is the lack of self-esteem/self-worth.

I've talked in therapy, numerous times, about how I was never taught by my parents or any other "figure" in my life how to have good self-esteem. And in not being taught that, I have a hard time separating confidence vs. arrogance. So if I agree, or willingly say, I am good at something...I don't view that as being confident but as being cocky.

In my younger years, I made job moves for more money. I felt like I worked hard for my age and deserved better compensation. As I got older I "worked my way up" per se, and made changes that always increased my income. I had a strong sense of self at my last job; I had good hands that my doctor trusted with specific surgeries he only wanted me in on, I thought outside the box and was good at viewing things in a creative but logical way to possibly make them more successful/aesthetic, my input was ( mostly ) valued, I knew what I was doing and explained it well to patients and their families, and I put patients at ease. It was the only job where I felt very confident in my abilities. But due to many reasons I decided it was time to leave that job. Not only was that jump a knife in my side financially...I was also going into an entirely different side of dental. For much less pay. And with no experience.

And although I exceed ALL of the goals that my department tracks since day 1, was trained in a specialty within 2 months ( I was in-office for 3 months total before Covid hit, and was trained before leaving for shut down ), caught on to everything fairly quickly, received the 2 promotions I could in the earliest time frame (  I wanted the raises )...I still don't feel as confident in myself as I did 5 years ago. I still don't think those things about myself that I did when I assisted. I still doubt myself and don't really "know" if I KNOW what I'm doing, ya know? 

I applied for a job internally last week. Do I think I'm going to get it? No. Do I know if I even want it? No. Do I want a better income that comes with it? Yes. Do I still want to work with systems I already work with daily? Yes. But my anxiety is through the roof...even writing and SEEING these few sentences before this. I have such a hard time during interviews because I don't have that self-esteem. I have anxiety that makes my mind run 65464435x a minute and my mouth feels like it's always 15 seconds behind it. 

The imposter syndrome is rearing its ugly head. Do I deserve to even ask the salary that I plan to? ( because I'm going to do it...but *do I deserve to is the question* ) Am I smart enough to potentially get this job? Will I do well or will I mess up my entire plan that I had for working my way up in the company? Will I sound like a total imbecile during my interview? I can deal with not having the knowledge to do this job yet...I've been with the company a little over 4 years now. I know my job for the most part...I rarely get told in 1-on-1s about mistakes or anything of the sort, so I guess I do know my job...but will it be enough? My job is fairly flexible now with PTO and flex start times and only being allowed to work 40hr/wk unless offered OT...this job is a salary position in which I will be required to work over those 40 hours IDKhowmanytimes when IT/system releases and changes are done. Is it worth it? 

Having anxiety and not being fully confident in yourself is a very fickle field to navigate. I have nothing but an interview and my mind is spiraling into all the "what ifs". I very much believe that EVERY choice you make can affect the rest of your life, and I'm just trying to make myself a better one. But I'm so fearful of somehow making it worse. I haven't even asked my questions to the manager and I'm already making up stories in my head...and that's why interviews and anxiety and thinking 6 dozen steps ahead makes everything become a fearful mess. I'm scared of coming off as stupid or uneducated or "out of my league". Delusional. 

The mind plays tricks and they are not fun. I'm always worried of making the wrong choices, of my life falling to pieces, of being a failure. But feelings like this take time to rework and it. is. exhausting. I just hate that it is Sunday, I have off tomorrow for the holiday/a doctors appointment, and I'm worrying about something that doesn't happen until Tuesday. And I still don't even know would be a good fit for ME. 

So I guess this rant is to say that 1) imposter syndrome sucks 2) please teach your kids to have healthy self-esteem so that they can confidently do hard things as they navigate life 3) anxiety will have you worrying about things that could potentially not even happen! 4) I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst and 5) I guess fake it til you make it!