Acrophobia

 ...this is the technical term for an extreme fear of heights. I've always been scared of heights; I don't like rollercoasters, don't do well going up ladders, avoid the edges of cliffs while hiking, etc. 

But only recently has it affected my driving/where I "can go".

After I moved back to town, I stopped having to drive on the highway. So initially, I started having what I thought was highway anxiety. First it was just going over bridges--then it was the highway altogether. When I started my current job, I had to take the highway again. It took a little but I started being okay with driving again. But as quickly as that occured, Covid hit. I was back to square one.

So now am I not only fearful of the highway and bridges, I've also come to find that I'm extremely fearful of driving on the mountains. 

This is something I've discussed in therapy. I know it's anxiety/panic, and I know that it stems from a distrust in myself. I'm afraid of my panic manifesting into a physical reaction that causes me to pass out or have some kind of health emergency that would leave me incapacitated and possibly cause harm or death. I guess it's a mix of anxiety but also intrusive thoughts? 

In any case, I bring this up because I was driving home from Adam's yesterday and it. was. terrible. I've never been so anxious on a drive as I was that entire 3 hours ( I had to detour at a point, and I pulled over probably 3-4 times to just catch my breath and refocus ) I assume it also had to do with the weather; it was drizzling and foggy. But even on the flat, straight spots I was having a hard time. I got over the first mountain with anxiety but nothing too horrible, but the anticipation of the other 2 mountains I would have to trek over was causing me a lot of turmoil.

Well as I was approached the second mountain, there were emergency vehicles blocking the base. I had to turn right but then lost GPS signal so I had nowhere to go. I drove a few minutes down the road until I decided that I had to turn around and either backtrack or potentially get up the mountain because I had no clue where I was or an alternate route. As I got to the intersection that had been blocked, I saw it was cleared. So I waved for the firefighter to ask him if I could go. He said it was okay to proceed but that emergency was still up at the top and that it had been made into one lane. So great--I'm climbing up a mountain, terrified, the fog is THICK, and there's something going on at the *very* top. But I try to keep my composure because the fireman told me that once I got to the base, if I made a right at the next light I could hop on the turnpike and avoid the 3rd ( and worst ) mountain. Well, as I approach the top I can barely see the emergency vehicle lights or the flagger...but I do clearly see the SUV that has rolled completely onto its roof and the shattered glass/contents of the vehicle all over the road. 

Although it is on the mountain's "wall" and not the edge of a cliff, it was terrifying nonetheless.

First thought: I hope everyone survived that crash. Second thought: this is why I don't like mountains! 

Luckily I did okay once I got onto the turnpike. I had to go through 2 tunnels but a tunnel is nothing when I compare it to going OVER the mountain--I'd much prefer to go THROUGH it. I still didn't like driving in the fog and the mist of the rain but it was better than having to go over that mountain.

It's just really inconvenient the fact that I'm scared of both bridges and mountains because no matter what route I take, I have to go over one or both to get to where Adam lives. I try to do exposure therapy but I feel like I am doing it only when I "have" to--to get from point A to point B. Like I have to force it. And I don't think that's benefiting me much. But I also have a hard time dealing with the fact that I have this issue because it makes me feel like I'm a mess and an inconvenience and that it's a major problem for me to have; I feel limited and like this is keeping me from doing things. I know Adam doesn't mind driving to everything but it shouldn't have to be like that and it makes me feel some sort of way. 

I just never thought that my fear of heights would become a full-fledged phobia. I never realized how drastically Covid changed some things in my life. It's the next day and, even though I took a 4 hour nap when I got home AND slept almost 8 hours last night, I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. My nervous system is still in overdrive and my anxiety is high currently for no real reason--the only explanation is that I'm still feeling residual panic from yesterday. 

All I know...is that mental illness sucks. Panic disorder sucks. Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. I wish I could just wish it away. I wish I felt like I could do "normal things" and not have these weird fears and phobias that make me feel like I'm a burden or prevent me from doing things in my life. Ugh. Sorry; this was more a journal entry/"woe-is-me" type post. But if you read it, I appreciate you.